I still may need the rum.

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Quick rundown of last 12 hours.

Went to volleyball game where we actually WON A SET using our never-fail technique of just hitting the ball over the net without setting up any kind of play. I tried to instill a new method of actually playing like all the other teams do, but then we started losing and I was overuled. Then we drank several (5???) pitchers of beer. Then I got very drunk, ordered massive amounts of greasy food and went home.

After my triumphant return home, I decided, once again, I am a mean drunk. I got home, got bitchy and Trent & I got in a rather large screaming match about me being drunk and bitchy (my defense was “you shouldn’t call me a bitch!” while waving my gun in the air). Luckily, no one was hurt, except for the dog who thought she was the bitch of the house and was deeply offended by the accusation that her position would be taken by anyone. She’s still not speaking to me.

After I STORMED OUT IN A DRUNKEN STUPOR, I went for a pleasant walk where I was, thankfully, not obducted by aliens or rapists. At least I don’t think I was.

Then I passed out. I believe Trent had to put the newly washed sheets on the bed while I was sleeping. Not a small task, but he is an incredible man.

Then, when my fucking alarm went off at 5:45 IN THE MORNING, I attempted to walk, and obviously, failed miserably. Spent most of the morning in the bathroom (not showering) and trying to speak real words outloud so that I wouldn’t be talking to this company CEO at 7 a.m. going, “Well (small pause while I vomit) , I think that I would be the biggest slut at your company. I mean assface. I mean asset!”

I guess all stories have a happy ending. She called. I didn’t say assface. I got the job. A bit less money, but much higher quality of life and I won’t want to cut off my big toe on a daily basis. At least, not because of work-related business. Also, I may be the first person to accept a job offer while sitting on the bathroom floor trying to decide which end this demon in my stomach is going to come out of.

Now I just have to figure out how to quit my other hell. I mean job.

Lovely Bearded Boy

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Finally, I’ve convinced Trent to do something I want him to do. He looks like either an Irish boxer or a lumberjack. Either way, I think it’s scrumptious.

Why I haven’t written.

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My weekend was full of surprises. It was supposed to be a quiet one. It started out like this.

My original Friday night plans. We then moved on to drinking heavily with some of Trent’s friends from home (Hi Justin! Hi Josh!). I became known as the cockblocker (or as Josh so kindly put it, “not a cockblock, just a bitch). I then passed out facing the wrong was on my bed while watching Sideways. The boys then attempted to feed the dog some Skoal.

Then, after a drama-filled Saturday with Mikayla, Trent and his buddy Heath (boyfriend of Mikayla and self-proclaimed genius who’s graduating with his Master’s Degree on Friday, that bastard!) decided they truly do care very deeply for each other.

Then I was burned beyond recognition at Heath and Mikayla’s pool on Sunday. No, Mikayla, I didn’t get ‘color,’ I got extremely red and I can barely sit down. I am wimpering in pain as I sit and write this. Thank God for Sooth-A-Caine. I should be a walking advertisement for that shit!!! Whoever decided to put numbing agents in aloe is a genius. I will gladly bow at your feet Mr. Banana Boat. Actually, that would be a clever marketing ploy. Crazy Bananas and Banana Boat. I can just hear our Jamaican jingle.

Forgive me. I have no sense of humor when crispy.

Memorial Day Weekend

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I’m back and rehydrated! There are several stories to tell about this weekend. I honestly don’t know quite where to start. There was the family member aquiring ANOTHER DUI, the wedding preparations where I learned I am to be walking down the aisle with a wizard (yes, a wizard!), my mother returning from her ‘summer home’ in Florida (hide the chicken nuggets everyone, save yourselves) and of course drunken debauchery of every kind.

For what may be the first time in the history of trips to Manhattan, Trent and I actually hung out all weekend. Our friends Abbie and Luke (Hi guys!) moved into their new digs, and were both living with a member of the opposite sex for the first time. You can see why they would want Trent and I around, being the ideal example of cohabitating bliss, to teach them the ways to coexist in a world where one can never really escape the other. They did well though. Actually, no major tiffs to report.

Although Trent, love him as I do, showed his true colors in several instances. Now I think I understand why he doesn’t want me around when he’s with his friends. Not that he was mean or ugly to me. He was just. Very. Strange.

Exhibit #1

Trent decides it would be a good idea to get in his skivies and pose like a porn star on Abbie and Luke’s ginormous bed. All humans with penises thought this to be FUCKING HILARIOUS! All females ran to the bathroom in order to avoid vomiting in public.

Exhibit #2

Polish Horseshoes. Game in which guys throw frisbees at each other in attempting to knock a beer bottle off a tiki torch. Basically, an excuse to break bottles and yell at each other. I couldn’t believe how long this amused the guys. Hours. Seriously. Oh well, at least they weren’t fighting each other.

Exhibit #3

Abbie insists (although we have been eating at the BBQ ALL FUCKING DAY) that we order a large cheesebread and pizza upon our return home from the bars. Then she and I lay down for a bit. Then Trent and Luke ate 100 tons of pizza by themselves. Abbie was understandably pissed. You can’t separate that girl from her cheesebread. We should really get her into rehab or something.

For more interesting shots from this weekend, click here. For pictures of the amazing progress made on Trent’s parents new addition, click here.

And as for the cat story, apparently Trent’s brother once tried to microwave his (Trent’s cat), so Trent, his mom and his sister decided to get some revenge. Below is Scott’s cat, Frisky, paying for Scott’s evil ways.

Freaks Are More Fun

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Today I had a moment of enlightenment.

I awoke this morning and got into a little tiff with the sig other about something that he had absolutely no control over. I realized that he did not understand that I wasn’t upset with him, but the situation, and then spent the next 20 minutes bothering him to see if he was now upset with me because of my bad reaction to the news that was in no way his fault or under his control. He proceded to get annoyed with me and leave.

Then, while I’m at work fuming because “why, oh why, won’t he understand me?!” he calls around and gets the whole thing figured out, even offering to sacrifice a fun vacation to make me happy.

He then sends me an e-mail saying I am beautiful.

Now I am fucking tired because I spent half of the day pissed at no one, but just pissed at everyone, but not really pissed, just annoyed! (Does your head hurt yet?)

It’s true, I sweat the small stuff. And I have ADHD.

But at least I embrace it!

NOTE: I just thought of the best word to describe me…FREAKASAURUS. I’m copywriting that one bitches!

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