Dear Dove,

Why are you such a big, fat liar? I appreciate all of your wonderful advertisements starring normal women. It’ s a great marketing ploy, getting consumers to buy your products by featuring and empowering all sizes, looks, shapes and races that we can relate to. Really, it’s great. Especially in a world where the 100-pound anorexic automatically gets a full modeling contract and where so-called “celebrities” seem to make more money for each rib they show in their bikinis.

But it doesn’t matter how good your ads make me feel about my cellulite if your products don’t work. And it makes me very pissy when you show examples of the product working on TV which can never be recreated in real life.

Your fancy deoderant is hailed for not only keeping my underarms looking fabulous (because that’s where my husbands looking when he’s hot and heavy, my pits), but also for keeping them dry. You additionally claim this wonder-product won’t show yucky white spots on my dark-colored clothes. In fact, it’s called Dove Invisible Solid. “100% Little Black Dress Approved,” you say.

Bullshit, I say.

Not only does your crappy deoderant NOT keep me dry, in fact, it’s stained several shirts with nasty sweat marks! Shirts that I liked, maybe even loved! In addition, I have NEVER put your product on without getting it all over my dark shirts. On your commercials, you dare women to flip their shirts inside out to prove your deoderant doesn’t cause white marks. Are these women even wearing deoderant? Because every time I take off my shirt at the end of the day it’s covered in nasty, white, powdery smelling gunk!

I have officially switched products and will never use your product again. Too many embarrassing, sweaty meetings and outdoor activites and shirts lost forever for me to forgive you. But thanks for the ego boost with those commercials. That’s still pretty nice.

Sincerely,
Megan