Crazybananas

This article made me laugh so hard that I had three people stop outside my office today to make sure I was okay. They rip democrats, republicans, entertainers, “reality” stars, political pundants, writers…even O.J. isn’t spared. I’ve pasted a few exerpts from the article below to entice you to read the entire thing here.

I will warn you, it’s not nice stuff. But if you’re offended, then you’re taking yourself way to seriously.

Barack Obama - Promised not to run for president, then did; vowed to take public election funds, then didn’t; backed telecom immunity, then accepted the nomination at the AT&T sponsored convention; expressed displeasure with Clinton’s hawkish foreign policy and vote for war in Iraq, then named her as Secretary of State.

Rev. Wright - Seriously, you don’t think the U.S. government could do a better job than AIDS? AIDS takes years to kill, spreads relatively slowly, and kills white people all the time. A CIA super-virus that can’t beat Magic Johnson? Unlikely.

Joe the Plumber - In a lot of ways, Samuel Wurzelbacher really does represent the average American—basing economic opinions on unrealistic expectations of personal future success, blaming his failure to meet those expectations on minorities and old people, complaining about deadbeats getting his taxes when he isn’t actually paying his taxes, and advertising his own rudimentary historical and mathematical ignorance by warning of creeping socialism in a country whose highest income tax rate has dropped by half in thirty years.

Dick Cheney - Still alive. The amount of medical resources devoted to keeping this black hole of decency operational could have cured cancer by now, but if they had, Cheney would make sure to keep it a secret.

Alan Greenspan - Refusing to accept any blame for years as the housing bubble, long-predicted by out-of-favor economic realists, bloated and burst, only recently has Greenspan accepted even marginal responsibility, admitting only that he was “partially” wrong, professing a state of “shocked disbelief” that lenders couldn’t regulate themselves, and thinking to himself, “This isn’t how it worked in Atlas Shrugged!”

George W. Bush - One good thing about him, though, is that he has no real interest in politics, and probably won’t give a flying shoe what happens to the world when his term is up.

John Edwards - And anybody knows that no nominee’s secret affair could survive the scrutiny of general election season—no Democratic nominee’s, anyway—so Edwards was knowingly jeopardizing the future of the world on the off chance the Enquirer reporter following him around, who already knew about the affair, wouldn’t find anything concrete. But hey, it’s not so bad, because, as Edwards stressed, his wife’s cancer was in remission when he began the affair. Classy guy.

The Clintons - Still around. Still married. Still rich. Still acclaimed. Still influential. Still sought. Still sanctimonious. Still aggrieved. Still phony. Still compromised. Still petulant. Still striving. Still self-pitying. Still self-important. Still important.

Sarah Palin - If you want to know why the rest of the world is scared of Americans, consider the fact that after two terms of disastrous rule by a small-minded ignoramus, 46% of us apparently thought the problem was that he wasn’t quite stupid enough.

You - You think it’s your patriotic duty to spend money you don’t have on crap you don’t need. You think Hillary lost because of sexism, when it’s actually because she’s just a bad liar. You think Iraq is better off now than before we invaded, and don’t understand why they’re so ungrateful.You think God zapped humans into existence a few thousand years ago, although your appendix and wisdom teeth disagree. You like watching vicious assholes insult each other on TV. You support gun rights, because firing one gives you a chubby. You cuddle falsehoods and resent enlightenment. You think the fact that 43% of whites could stomach voting for an incredibly charismatic and eloquent light-skinned black guy who was raised by white people means racism is over.

As I’m attempting to break a bit from this blog, I asked a few friends to fill in here and there, and my lovely buddy Abbie was quick to respond. She’s been looking for a way to share her deep love hatred thoughts about her new state, as she became a full blown Southerner a few months back. You can read her first guest post here.

A few months ago I submitted a guest post to CB about my new life in Alabama and how, unbelievably, it was a complete culture shock to go from life in Kansas, to life in the real bible belt: Alabama. Those of you who live in Kansas and think you are in the bible belt are sorely mistaken. Visit Alabama - there is a Southern Baptist Church on every corner - just like Walgreens.

Unfortunately, after 6 months in Alabama, not a lot has changed. Still bored, still Christian (vs. Baptist) and still trying to find my niche.

1: It’s official - I registered my car (finally - I was in denial). I was given two choices of license plates.

Option A: God Bless Alabama
Option B: Sweet Home Alabama

Since my God is different from the Alabama God, I went with Sweet Home Alabama - the license plate came complete with a CD of that damn Sweet Home Alabama song and now every time I drive my car, that damn song is in my head!

2: All my friends know that I am an avid perfume collector (freak) and I am quite proud of my collection which includes Versace, Gucci, FCUK, Calvin Klein, LaCoste - just to name a few. I recently realized I no longer have use for smelling good since the only place I go is the gym and I spend all day in my sweats. The other day I looked at my perfume collection looking all neglected so I decided to wear my coveted Versace to the gym. I was the best smelling sweaty person there. If I was a giving person I would send my perfume to my friends who still have social lives and could put it to good use….but I’m selfish so I’m going to keep it to myself. Maybe if I break down and join the Baptist Church, I can wear my perfume on Sunday’s!

What keeps me going is my countdown to March 31st when I will go with Meg and Mara to see Britney Spears. No laughing because Britney is brilliant. Megan will be glad to know Fox News finally pissed me off because they dared to talk smack about Britney this morning.

Oh well, there will be more posts from Alabama as I search for positives - really, there are a few, but they just aren’t as funny as the negatives!

I’ve had some people ask me what my deal is with Flickr and Twitter and Facebook and blogging…and oh my god! Megan, get an effing life!

To those people I say, true, I should aquire some sort of life, which is why I’m cutting down on the blogathon that has taken over my being for the past few years and attempting to have more fun by actually “living” life, instead of writing about it. What an idea, right?

I know tons of friends that have attempted to start blogs only to have them end after a week or two of posts. It’s for a variety of reasons, but usually boils down to not having enough time, not feeling like they had anything to say, not enough readers or just forgetting the thing existed entirely. One reason this blog is updated so often is because I really do love to write. I love to put down what I’m thinking/liking/laughing at each day. I love that I can go to some random date four years ago and read about my life, a life that seems so foreign to me now.

Thank God for mini bottles of Bacardi. And thank God for Justin Timberlake. Yes, I like Justin Timberlake. Yes, I understand he’s kind of the same deal as the Backstreet Boys. And no, I don’t care. - March 2005

Well, truth be told, I’m still a fan of mini bottles of alcohol and Justin Timberlake, so maybe things haven’t changed as much as I think.

I’ll still be here, probably posting as regularly as before, but I’m giving myself permission to slack off a bit if I feel like it. The ads on this page don’t make that much money anyway, and who’ll miss me? Besides my mom.

If I haven’t posted here, you can always check my Twitter feed, which is so addicting I find myself attempting to Twitter while driving my car. Not safe, but I had to tell the world about the bumper sticker that said “My Other Ride Is Your Mom.” Just for reference, here are five of my favorite recent Tweets:

I’m stimulated by the very thought of Obama’s package, and I mean that only in the most fiscal of ways. - Paula

Who’s idea was it to make “Accelerate Your Life” the Navy’s new tagline? Doesn’t that just mean “You’ll Die Sooner” if you join the Navy? - DadGoneMad

LOD’s son is writing a rock opera called “I’d Rather Live In Someone Else’s Butt Than Go To School.” Watch your back, Sondheim. - LOD

Email from my dad: “It appears to mom and me that the signal to the undead will probably be given on Meet the Press this Sunday.” Be alert. - Looky Daddy

I’vereintroducedcaffieneintomysystemandmybrainfeelslikethis. - Maggie

My most recent Tweet says something about how much wine I drank this weekend, but it’s not that funny, so I won’t share it here. Although one time I did write a pretty funny Tweet that was basically a love letter to cheese popcorn. So there’s that.

{Oh yeah, follow me on Twitter here. Wooty woot! >>>>>>>>>>>>> Cannot believe I just said wooty woot. What the hell is the matter with me?!}

If you need me, I’ll be living. Or Tweeting.

Remember when I told all of you how happy I was, even though my head was throbbing and throat was on fire? I lied. I’m miserable. Grumble.

So instead of writing anything, here’s a few places to go while you’re procrastinating today:

New Staff Find White House in Tech Dark Ages - An aide claims it’s like going from an XBox to an Atari. I have to admit, I loved my Atari, but this would be frustrating.

Where You Won’t Shop in 2009 - As long as J Crew online is in business, I’ll be fine. Oh, J Crew, how I love you and your ridiculously high priced flip flops.

The “Blog” of “Unnecessary” Quotation Marks - Har, har, har….air quotes make me laugh.

(free) Valentines Day Cards - I like this template, and even though Lu is probably a bit young for these, I’m using them anyway. Mostly due to the high usage of the words dude and seriously.

Bubble Calendar - I must have this, as does anyone who loves popping packing bubbles. So, maybe just me.

What to do on Friday Night (if you’re lame-o like me) - Watch WALL-E. Seriously. Dude. (Told you I was a fan of those words). This is the first movie in a very long time that I could watch with Lu and not want to run out of the room screaming (I’m looking at you, Tinkerbell!). I know some think it’s too political or boring, which, in my opinion, is total crap incorrect. I guess if you consider human’s trashing the planet with stuff from a Costco-like franchise, then leaving it a mess because it’s too hard to clean up, then becoming giant fatty’s because they are the laziest beings in the universe, political, then I suppose the argument could be made. It wouldn’t be a good argument, but I’m sure some people will argue it (now I’m looking at you, Bill O’Reilly!). Lordy.

But what does this movie seem to be teaching my daughter (according to her)? Clean up your mess, play and don’t eat fast food all the time, love people who are nice to you. Doesn’t seem like to bad of a message, huh? I know a bunch of older kids that have hated it, due to the lack of dialouge and human characters, but Lu seems to love it.

Then again, she’s the daughter of a Space Camp nerd, so it may just be in her DNA.

I found this on MomPop yesterday, and really wanted to share it with all of you….but then I took a three-hour nap and dyed my hair brown. Sorry, people, I have my priorities. This was posted on January 20th on the hip-hop video blog Ill Doctrine, which is new to me, but I am obviously extremely nerdy and lame so you all have probably heard of it.

You should watch it. Now. I’ll wait. Go ahead.

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Done? While you were watching it, I was practicing making emoticon hearts. Why? Because I love you all.

And since I love you “all,” here’s a pretty amazing article I found, Real Men: George W. Bush. An exerpt:

He is a man of integrity, a trait sorely missing in Washington. I may not have agreed with every decision that he made, but I believe that he was honestly trying to do what was best for the country. There was a sign in my kindergarten classroom that said, “What is right is not always popular, and what is popular is not always right.” George W Bush consistently ignored what was popular and instead chose what he believed to be right.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I disagree with most of her points, and when she utters the words “Ann Coultier wrote a great article” I honestly laughed out loud, but it’s a very well-written article and a different take then you usually get here on Crazy-Liberal-Bananas. So I figured I’d throw it in for good measure.

Just please don’t click on the Ann Coultier article link, or a thousand puppies will die.

P.S. In case you were wondering, I found all of these articles via Kirtsy. Check it out, the awesomeness will amaze you.