Crazybananas

I am a person that genuinely enjoys being in control. I know some people that are so Rachel Green, laid back and fun, and I am so Monica Gellar with a label maker and color-coordinated closet. I love knowing what will happen next and how I’m going to deal with it. I love it so much that I rarely read an entire book without peaking at the last chapter to know how it will end.

Ever since the moment my third pregnancy test stick showed a blue line I’ve felt completely out of control. My body, which I had finally accepted and was happy with, was completely out of control. It grew and twisted and I pooped (and didn’t poop) and threw up and cried, and there was nothing I could do to control it. My mind was out of control. My entire life seemed out of control.

Today, I went for a walk with Lucy and Molly after lunch. I decided for the first time in a LONG time I’d try to use the stroller instead of carrying Lucy in the front carrier. The only other time I’ve attempted using the stroller by myself Molly kept running in front of it and stopping or crossing in front of it causing me to trip or insisting on walking in between the stroller and myself. So I wasn’t too excited about the prospect of doing it again. But I decided to take a chance, strapped Lucy in and grabbed Molly’s leash.

And for the first time in a LONG time, I was in control. All of the walks I’ve taken with Molly to perfect the Dog Whisperer walking technique had finally paid off. She walked right next to me, only stopping for the occasional chance to relieve herself on a perfectly fertilized lawn. Lucy sat in her stroller, cooing at her hands, those wonderful hands that she just discovered. When we got home, I put Lucy down for a nap and Molly decided to take one as well. And now, it’s so quiet. So peaceful. And I am the luckiest person I know.

I’ve officially started working again, but not in the capacity that I had originally anticipated. I got a job as a freelance associate producer working with a production house here in KC. My favorite part about it (besides the fact that I still get to hang with Lucy pretty much all day) is that I get to do all of my work in my underwear. Or in Trent’s underwear, depends on my mood. I’ve also started interviewing for a new full-time job, which makes my skin crawl and I break out in hives. I just can’t imagine not seeing Lulu for an entire 8 or 9 hours each day. Boo.

And speaking of boo, I am now officially open to Halloween costume suggestions for Lucy and myself. So far, ideas submitted include a ladybug (for her), a pumpkin (for her) or Gweneth Paltrow, Chris Martin and Apple (for the whole family). I personally think she should be a monkey. Any suggestions?

God help us all….

Just ignore those dorky people talking in really high-pitched voices in the background. They won’t leave the baby alone. Dorks.

I’m back.

And I mean that in the most “I’m back, but so out of it that I don’t really remember my name” kind of way.

I’ve spent the last week taking a baby on airplane trips and meeting my husband’s extended family and driving and, egads!, more driving and going to rehearsal dinners and weddings and seeing my little brother out at a bar (ew) and attempting not to strangle my parents when they are snotty to me and others in public and going to interviews for new jobs that I really don’t want to take because I already am raising my daughter and that is a full time job PEOPLE!

Now I am attempting to recover from all of this by laying on my couch and watching old Friends reruns and Grey’s Anatomy episodes. But I promise, as soon as the neutrons start firing again, I’ll be back to tell everyone how Trent got a dirty man arrested and how Lucy rolled over and how I am undeniably the worst-ever player of the game Catch Phrase. Wish me luck in my recovery.

Everyone keeps telling me how lucky I am that my wonderful, little princess is already sleeping through the night. They go on and on about how lucky we are and how rested we look. That is usually when I want to punch them in the head.

You see, I haven’t really slept in about 10 months. Throughout the whole pregnancy and after, I’ve had a lot of trouble getting to sleep at night. It drives me absolutely nuts! Especially since this has continued into the present. For example, our nightly schedule is this: Lucy goes down for bed at around 8:30 p.m. I wake her up at 10:30 p.m. for a final feeding, and then I head off to bed between 11 and 11:30. Then I lay in bed until at least 1 a.m. Sometimes I fall asleep, sometimes I don’t. Then, when baby girl wakes up at 6 in the morning, I’m exhausted. Then I usually put her back down at 7 or 7:30 a.m., I go back to sleep until 10. Then I’m up all day and it just keeps going in that never-ending cycle.

I am a person that really likes to get up early and get things done and I REALLY need my rest. I’m beginning to get so frustrated with all of this, and I don’t know what to do because as a nursing mom, I can’t take any sleeping meds. I wish Trent’s sleep schedule could rub off on me. That kid can fall asleep anywhere at any time. Ridiculous. So right now I have finally given up on falling asleep easily and have filled my KU scooner with some Bud Light, hoping it will make me sleepy. Or at least put me in a better mood.