Crazybananas

[On cell phone in driveway]

“Mom, I have to go, I’m at the house.”

“Well, how is your brother? Have you seen him yet? Does he look fat? Does it smell like pot?”

“No, listen, Mom, I haven’t seen him yet, I have to go. Bye.”

[Walk up to front door of house, which has no doorknob, and am let in by brother’s friend who got him arrested last year]

“Hello.”

“Whoa, like, hi. Ummmm…dude, that dog is fucking cool! Matt, your sister’s dog is cool.”

“Umm, yeah, like, whatever.”

“Yo, Megan, can you take us to Burger King. Come on! Please.”

“You guys, it smells like shit in here. What are you smoking?”

[Two potheads laugh for about 15 minutes]
“So, seriously, can you take us to Burger King?”

“It’s 9:30 in the morning!”

“Yeah. I want chicken fries.”

[Drive to Burger King and order food]

“Oh, um, I only have 73 cents.”

“Seriously?”

“Yeah, look! Hey, do you remember like 2 years ago when I was calling your parents house looking for your brother, and it was like, Christmas. And you answered and I was like, is Matt there, and you were like, no, and I like didn’t even say Merry Christmas? That was fucked up. I guess I wasn’t very festive that year.”

“Honestly, that apparently didn’t make as much of an impression on me as it did on you.”

“Really, cause it was fucking weird.”

“I’m sure it was. As is this.”

People are weird. Some crazy man made this statue of Britney Spears delivering her baby to promote Pro-Life. Hmmmm….I never really thought Britney having a baby with that trailor trash husband was a great promotion of procreation, but I guess that is what this guy was going for.

I guess birth won’t be that bad as long as I make sure to bring my bear-skin rug with me to the hospital.

Click on the photo for Britney’s “response” to this stalker, I mean sculptor.

Some of you will understand the signficance, some of you won’t. But everyone will enjoy Mr. Shatner. This I can guarantee.

I have been drunk in Texas several times. The first of which was when I was the ripe age of 18 in South Padre Island. The second big one was when I went to Dallas to visit my buddy Lindsey. Both times I was intoxicated at bars, around bars, near bars, outside of bars, while leaving bars and, for a bit, at a drive through Mexican restaurant. So I think I can speak for all Texas drinkers when I say, “Ummmm….what the FUCK?!”

I know, there’s always an excuse, but this time I really do have a problem. Besides my normal problems. My computer officially thinks it is Sunday, January 11, 1970. Now, I think this is strange for several reasons. Number one, I was not alive in 1970. Number two, this website obviously did not exist in 1970. And number three, this computer did not exist in 1970. There is a possiblity that my computer is having a mid-life crisis and is trying to pretend it is a spry young laptop. Maybe some sort of anxiety now that the new Mac’s have come out making my dear Macaroni look like an old hag…

Whatever the reason, this strange series of events along with the fact that I’m in my third trimester now, which makes me unable to do about anything except for eat and sleep and bitch, I haven’t been updating as much as I should. Part of it is also that I don’t feel like I have much to say. Ahhh, the life of a human incubator. I was looking back at some older posts and realized I am much funnier when I have drunk stories to tell. I think I’m one of those people that isn’t to fun whist sober.

To appease you [that is assuming people are still visiting this site] here is a link to a retro post about my pre-baby life. I actually wasn’t that exciting then, either.